These are your keys to a healthy, secure-functioning, deeply connected and safe relationship.
Cam & I talked about all of these when we started dating, and I sooo recommend this for all new couples to go through together and create some relationship agreements together so consciously support you entering into new depths in your love. Because dang when you can create epic safety, you can go SO MUCH DEEPER.
The 10 commandments were developed by Stan Tatkin (who takes a psychobiological approach to couples counselling). WTF does that mean? Basically he works with couples based on regulating each other’s nervous systems and creating safety based on how the brain responds to the behaviours displayed in your relationships. He works with attachment theory and the biology of the brain to create EPIC relationships. And these are his 10 commandments for an incredible, secure-functioning relationship.
#1: Put the relationship first at all times.
#2: Make decisions & do things that are good for you AND your partner.
#3: Don't threaten to break-up or leave (this only causes anxiety & stress).
#4: Tell your partner things first (especially the big things!)
#5: To the extent it is possible, always be available to the other, and always greet each other with warmth and love.
#6: Protect your partner and your relationship in public and private from criticism, embarrassment and hurt.
#7: Create a ritual around bed time & waking up. If possible, go to bed and wake up together.
#8: Don't let arguments or hurtful comments linger. Instead of ruminating or trying to forget, process & repair quickly.
#9: Look at your partner with lingering admiration and love often. Be sure to shower them with appreciation, admiration and gratitude.
#10: Know your partner super well. Know what turns them on, what is motivating, what makes them happy, how do they feel the most loved. Don't use your knowledge of their triggers or fears to gain influence.
Why These 10 Commandments Actually Matter (Like, a Lot)
Sure, they might sound like something out of a cosmic couples’ rulebook, but these 10 relationship commandments aren’t just fluff or feel-good slogans—they’re the real-deal foundation for love that actually lasts. Developed by Stan Tatkin (a total relationship wizard and founder of the PACT model), these rules are all about creating a bond that’s secure, mutual, and unshakeable—even when life throws its inevitable curveballs.
Unlike the “rom-com version” of love that runs on chemistry and chaos, secure-functioning couples play by a totally different set of rules. Think: team-first mentality, shared purpose, and major emotional street smarts. They’ve got each other’s backs - and they act like it, every day.
Let’s break these commandments down in a bit more detail and talk about what this looks like on a daily basis ...
We come first.
This is the ride-or-die rule. When you put your relationship above friends, family, work drama, or petty arguments, you’re saying: We are the home base. Secure couples operate like a team - no one throws the other under the bus to win points elsewhere. Think of it as the relationship version of a VIP pass: you two are always on the guest list.
We fight well and repair quickly.
Fighting isn’t the problem - fighting dirty is. Secure couples aren’t afraid to argue, but they know how to do it with respect and emotional maturity. And when things get messy? They don’t stew for three days in passive-aggressive silence. They repair, reconnect, and move on stronger than before.
We have each other’s backs, always.
Loyalty is sexy. Being in a secure-functioning relationship means you don’t throw your partner under the bus when things go sideways. It’s about being the first person in your partner’s corner, even when they’re not at their best. Your job isn’t to be perfect - it’s to be a reliable teammate.
We don’t threaten the relationship.
No more “maybe we should just break up” bombs during arguments. That kind of talk is relationship kryptonite. When things get hard, secure couples dig in and work it out. The relationship is safe, even when the moment isn’t. That safety net is everything.
We don’t compete - we cooperate.
Love isn’t a scoreboard. If you're keeping track of who did what, who’s right more often, or who sacrificed more, you’ve already lost. Cooperation means you’re both pulling the sled in the same direction - no one gets left in the snowbank.
We tell each other the truth.
Radical honesty. No sugarcoating, no sneaky omissions, no lies of convenience. Not because you have to - but because truth is the fast lane to intimacy and trust. When your partner knows they can count on your word, it builds a foundation you can create magic from.
We do nothing without consideration of the other.
Sounds intense? Maybe. But in practice, this is just respectful AF. It means your partner’s wellbeing is part of your decision-making process, whether you’re choosing a movie or planning a big career move. It’s mutual care, baked into daily life.
We protect each other in public and in private.
Secure couples are each other’s armour, not each other’s weakness. That means no public takedowns, no snarky remarks in front of friends, and definitely no betrayal behind closed doors. You’re safe with each other. Period.
We soothe each other’s distress.
Oo yeah, this is the grown-up love language. When your partner is stressed, anxious, or sad, you don’t say “go deal with it.” You show up. You co-regulate. You remind them they’re not alone in the storm. Emotional responsiveness is what keeps love alive.
We stay connected through small moments.
Secure couples know it’s not about grand gestures - it’s the small stuff: a quick check-in, a hand squeeze, a knowing look. These tiny glimmers of love are the glue. They say, “Hey, I see you. I’m here.” And that’s often all we really need.
The Takeaway? Love That Lasts Is a Team Sport
At the heart of it, secure-functioning relationships are less about finding “The One” and more about choosing each other every day. It’s about mutual respect, shared responsibility, and building a life where both people feel seen, safe, and supported.
So if you're tired of drama, miscommunication, and wondering where you stand, these commandments might just be your new love language. No perfection required—just two people committed to being a secure base for each other.
💡 Pro tip: Try choosing one commandment each week and making it your focus. Talk about it, practice it, mess it up, try again. You don’t need to be perfect—you just need to show up.